So I have my next exam tomorrow and here I am, writing another piece for you all. But it’s fine, I still have a few hours to study.
Ok so this is about some weird but realistic thoughts that often keep my mind busy and sometimes make it horribly unbearable, making it difficult to engage in daily life tasks.
Have you ever felt like quitting everything because nothing matters as we’re all eventually gonna die??
I’d be glad if you have, because I feel like I’m the only stupid person on this planet (register the kind of negativity an anxiety patient holds haha) to have such thoughts, trying to run away from reality. Day and night, worrying about leaving everyone, or someone I love.
I’d sometimes think what if I don’t wake up the next morning? The question hence leading to a long question and answer session between me and..………me. (That goes on somewhat like this)
Me: “What if I die today? What’s the purpose of struggling every day when we all have to die eventually?”
Also me: “Ahh! What is wrong with you again? Stop thinking about it, this is how life works, when everybody’s fine with the fact, why aren’t you?”
Me: *Stops thinking for a minute* “But how can people forget that they have to die? Why doesn’t death bother them? What if (God forbid) they don’t wake up the next morning, how can they live peacefully with this reality? Aren’t they scared of dying?”
Also me: “They must be, but they’re not silly, they don’t atleast ruin their days in which they’re alive, in thought of times when they won’t be.”
Me: “Right! I shouldn’t be thinking about it, but wait, I cannot run away from something which is a fact. Everyone has to die.”
Also me: “Yes we all have to die, but can’t be thinking about it all the time. Focus on today.”
Me: “But I don’t want people to die”
Also me: “Arghhh! What the hell is wrong with you again?”
Me: “I DON’T KNOW!! Ok stop thinking about it and focus on something else. Something exciting. Yeah, Okay! Everything’s cool!”
Also me: “Thank God! Now stay the same. Enjoy your life!”
Third me: “ ERR WAIT! WHAT IF I DON’T WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING?”
Me: “And what if I die? Will people miss me? (Thinks about a long list of people that I want to miss me when I’m gone), and what if they don’t? And how am I going to tell them that I miss them? People that I love and haven’t told them yet. They should know that I’ll miss them, and I still do. I don’t tell them cuz I know we’re both alive, but what if one of us doesn’t wake up the next morning? How will I live with the fact that I didn’t tell them?”
Third me: “Ok so you should tell them that you love them”
Me: “But what if they don’t respond? What if they don’t want to talk to me? What if they don’t like me? What if my words annoy them? What if………………..followed by a long list of more what ifs.”
Also me: It’s not important what they’d think about you. The only thing that matters is that you love them, and you should tell them, what’s wrong with it? How they’d respond is their problem. You want to say it, say it, say it for your peace!”
Me: “No but what if they don’t reply? That’ll make me feel bad.”
Also me: “Why do you care?”
Me: “THAT’S THE WHOLE PROBLEM, AND THAT’S HELL OF A PROBLEM. I CARE!! AND I CARE ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING, THINGS THAT AREN’T EVEN IMPORTANT”
Also me: “Ok stay calm, these thoughts will eventually subside. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine”
Fourth me: “This is depressing though”
Me: “ARGHH NO STOPP!!”
Third me: “Okay!”
Me: *starts whispering* “Let’s tell them what I feel about them. I love them yay!!”
Fourth me: *Whispers* “No need to text everyone, for you’ll feel bad, IF they don’t reply”
Real Me: ………………………………………… *Never texts anybody*
^ A was a glimpse of how such thoughts make it difficult to focus on life, little things happening around. Making me feel tired, almost all the time.
And the thoughts really do subside, eventually, for a day, or some days, just to come back again, with same kind of intensity. With more questions and more disturbing thoughts.
Sorry but lol, even I feel frustrated after writing this, you must be feeling weird too. Nevermind! Let it go!
Don’t let such thoughts disturb your happy life. Be Happy, Stay Happy, Love yourself, Love people, that’s everything this life is about! ❤